Charming, but single

Professionalism is the key to attracting decent suitors June 7, 2007

The other day I was trading e-mails with College Roommate, she who has a lovely relationship with her wonderful boyfriend and is parlaying this into a job as one of my main counselors on issues of the opposite sex. As always, she was trying to convince me to be bold and pick up the phone myself and I was whining, which is one of my favorite things to do, really, next to sleeping and drinking wine.

She was persistent.

“It’s like going on a job interview,” she wrote. “Once it is over, you need to follow up and thank him for his time and tell him how much you enjoyed meeting with him.”

And you know, because I am me, my only option was to write a sample of such a note.

Dear Sir –

Thank you for your time several Saturdays ago. I enjoyed speaking with you about your life and how my skills and experience would fit with your unmet relationship needs. Your bold vision for the future, coupled with your very cute smile and height, makes you exactly the kind of man to whom I’d like to offer my services.

I am sure that I would exceed your expectations if given the chance to assume the position of Girlfriend. I understand that there is a trial period that will range from several dates to many months, depending on a combination of said skills and the other candidates for the position. During this period, I will be acting as a freelancer, keeping my options open to explore Boyfriend alternatives to ensure that you provide me with the greatest balance of comfort versus excitement. Once this training period is over and we have mutually determined our compatibility, I expect full benefits and an investment on your part in my future happiness.

Should you have any further questions about my qualifications or need references about my vast talents in Girlfriend-related areas, including, but not limited to, cooking, kissing, being supportive, making you feel like a Man when you’re really acting like a Two Year Old Boy, back-rubbing, laughing at your lame jokes, listening and displaying an above-average knowledge of beer and a basic knowledge of many sports terms, such as “getting to home base” and “scoring,” feel free to contact me by e-mail, cell, text message, Blackberry, instant message, Morse Code, messenger pigeon, weather balloon or smoke signal.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Many thanks,

[Charming]

My friends, they just love giving me advice.